Stepping Stones From Skeletons is an ongoing series on my blog: KUTA Empowered Women. This is a platform for survivors to encourage, inspire and share so other survivors can find their own voice. #NoMoreSilence Thank you for sharing your strength and your voice Raquel.
I am prepared to blog about what happened to me when I was in my early 20s, but as I think on it I remember when I was a girl and I think about how I was too in touch with my sexuality. I did things that I didn’t quite understand. I don’t remember an incident from my childhood..I just remember having feelings couldn’t explain. Fast forward to the early 90s. A time when I was a bit wild but not in public. I did things behind closed doors of course. When I was 22, I lived on my own with a roommate. I have often thought.. “if the walls could talk?!” One night some friends came over and brought a new guy – a relative or friend. Here comes the hard part, but if I’m going to tell it I need to tell it all. One of those friends was a guy and we had a sexual relationship. We were intimate that night in the house. Afterwards, the new guy came in my room. He seemed nice at first. When I said I was going out into the living room, he blocked the door and then locked it. He said something to the effect that since I was giving it away he wanted his turn. I am not sure why I didn’t scream..why I didn’t fight. I never really considered that part rape or sexual assault because I didn’t scream. It was though. I didn’t want it. He was so vulgar and rough. The things he said to me spoke of his insecurity and cowardice. When he was done, I felt pretty dirty. I didn’t say a word when we came out of the room. Everyone had mostly cleared and gone somewhere else. The guy I had the relationship with called this new guy and said he needed to be picked up. He wanted me to come so I rode with this guy that had just violated me. I think this part of the story helps me relate to other survivors. Maybe I was in shock…I don’t know. Anyway, while on the way to pick up our friend, the guy decides to pull over in front of a dumpster in a dark, secluded area. He demanded I give him oral sex. I said no this time. He spoke to me not in a loud voice but in a very scary, threatening one and basically said he could dispose of me if he needed to.He forced my head down and I chose to sort of leave my body at this point. When I’ve told my story to a couple of people, this is the part I have disclosed but never this much. I take that as a sign of healing and the loss of shame behind it all. That night, I told one of my girlfriends and she told the group that was there and they ran that guy out of town and well..threatened do to harm if every came back. I never spoke of it again for years to anyone else. The first time I did was when I went to volunteer at a local rape crisis center. It was about 7 years ago I believe. Once I started to talk about it, I realized I was not ready to volunteer. I was not quite healed. I came by healing through my faith in Jesus, through prayer and opening up about my experience. I am grateful for where I am now in my life. Would I change what happened that night? I’m sure. I have to say, what I went through helps me as I work with single moms and other survivors. There is something about sharing about women. We form bonds that cannot be broken. I pray my story helps someone to begin to overcome the shame, the guilt and the pain. I encourage survivors to find support that is authentic. loving and understanding. We all need that.
Thank you for letting me share my story.
SingleMoms Created4Change Advocacy and Empowerment Center