Yesterday was a lovely day! Yet, by the time I got home my mind was in full throttle "Crazy Making" mode. Overwhelming, all consuming and unfair thoughts.
Maybe you relate? Read and comment if you do. You are not alone!
"Is she mad at me?" "What did I do?" "She doesn't like me right now." "She doesn't want me around." "I'm overthinking" "I'm reading something into nothing." "I'm being too sensitive." "You're overthinking." "Quit second guessing." On and on they tumbled, plummeting and taking me into a painful spiral.
"The mind in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven." ~John Milton. This was so true, excruciatingly true last night. My tormented mind immediately impacted my body. Aches and pain radiating as muscles contracted ready for fight, flight or freeze. My default being flight, "well I'll just back away from the relationship. Then I won't be in so much pain and I won't cause her any pain." WHAT A FALACY!!!! It is safe to say, my anxiety was out the roof!
The reality is I have opened myself to loving family freely and deeply. It's a scary place to be. While my current family members are not part of my past pain, my childhood history still surfaces on occasion. Family members are supposed to love unconditionally and protect you... so at times I still struggle.
While more and more often, I am ahead of the victim mindset; the relapse of my thought process can have such a profound and debilitating impact. The venomous energy which surfaces literally hurls me into the depths of yesteryears pain.
Overcoming traumatic experiences and reclaiming my mind and body are a constant effort, one worth making!!! Writing this out helps me process, put things in perspective. One thing I know, I am NOT alone. It's NOT just me. My thoughts are normal for my life experiences. Others experience them as well.
Unfortunately, we are adept at wearing socially acceptable masks and shoving our thoughts and feelings down. #healingforward means speaking up, releasing silent shame and confusion, giving myself permission to "not be okay" at times. It also means eventually coming back to remembering my previous epiphany; "Maybe grace is figuring out, it's not about me. Maybe people are doing what they are doing for their own reasons, not mine.". Ahhh! Now there's a truth worth embracing.
Part of releasing the "Crazy Making" and coming back to my calm presence is remembering, others struggle with their own inner voice; a voice which can be just as hazardous as my own.
We all do the best we can with what we know. For me, this means choosing to #healforward again, and again. Step by step, trying again. Coming back to my breath... back to my choices. Choosing love and grace for myself first, and then just as generously, extending love and grace to others.
Being the change I wish to see... Saving the world, by first saving myself (often, from my own self). #iampriceless #crazymaking
